Land of Confusion
by Mrs.Scarlettbutler
Summary: Taking place eight months after Rhett left Scarlett, has anything changed?
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

I don't own the characters or anything belonging to GWTW, it all belongs entirely to Margaret Mitchell.

The story starts eight months after GWTW ended.

Charleston, South Carolina  
January 12th 1874

Scarlett,

I will avoid pleasantries, which I am sure would only give you false hope,   
and come straight to my question;

Have you considered my suggestion of a divorce or separation?

Please reply by way of my mother in Charleston.

Rhett

Tears were forming in Scarlett's eyes when she read the harsh words of her   
husband, the only husband she had loved out of three. It was not that she  
was surprise by his harsh words, Rhett had always been cruel, but she  
couldn't control the pain they caused her.

She lay back on the bed and gave into the flood of tears. It always had been  
hard for her to cry, to show her vulnerability. Time failed to make it any  
easier. When the tears subsided, she stared at the wall in front of her for  
what seemed to be days. Rhett wanted a divorce. He wanted to cut her out of  
his life like she was some piece of rotten meat.

Closing her eyes, Scarlett pondered if it would be best to give him his  
desired divorce. The pain in her heart and the fear that overwhelmed her by  
the idea indicated that she couldn't do that.

No, she wouldn't do that!

She opened her eyes; she was now surrounded in semi-darkness. It was getting  
late, Ella and Wade had slept for some time now but Scarlett knew from  
experience, that sleep would be hard for her to find, especially after  
reading Rhett's letter.

She lit the lamps in her room and found her writing papers.

Tara, Clayton County, Georgia

January 18th 1874

Dear Rhett,

I hope my letter finds you well.

I haven't changed my mind about a divorce or separation, I know you may find   
me weak but I still mean every word I said to you; I love you and I think I  
have for years.

As you said it's my misfortune to love a man that doesn't love me back, you  
could say, I should be used to it by now, but I'm not.

I know I can't force you to live with me, I never could make you do anything  
you didn't want to, but I will not grant you a divorce.

I know you told me not to explain how I felt or why I had reacted like I  
did; it was the same when you wouldn't hear my side of the story about what  
happened at the mill. But I need to get a few things of my chest and maybe   
then, I can move on. You can read it or hold on to your beliefs, if that  
makes you feel better.

First of all I don't blame you for Bonnie's death, I'm so sorry I once did,  
but the pain was simply too much to bear and I hoped my anger with you would   
alleviate my own anguish. It didn't. The truth is, I was as proud of her  
horsemanship as you were. I loved her so much, she was my favorite child.  
Maybe I'm being punished for feeling that, I don't know.

After a brief time, I tried to reach out to you; I wanted to share my grief  
with you, to share my memories of this little force of life with you. I  
would have humbled myself for you, but you never let me near enough to speak  
the words, and with time, it became impossible to apologize.

It was at that time I finally understood that we have a special and  
unbreakable bond between us, we have shared a bed, begotten and borne our   
beloved Bonnie and laid her away in the dark. I wanted you and no one else  
at that time. And it wasn't the first time, you know. When I failed to reach  
you I began to think of Ashley again, but never in the old way. He was a  
habit, a bad one, at that. He was my daydream that made life bearable.

I know you often accused me of not loving Bonnie, please know I did, and I  
missed her so much when you took her to Charleston, and I miss her so very,  
very much now. I know you always were first in her heart and mind, I just   
hope she knew I loved her, and that I had a little place in her heart.

I assume it was at the same time you gave up upon me and ran out of love for  
me. Fate never was with me.

By that time, I would gladly have given you several children if it would   
bring you back to me. I dreamt of a little boy with your dark handsomeness  
and another little girl. I hated that you went to Belle Watling, but I  
couldn't confront you, not when you suffered so much. Maybe I was a coward,  
but I felt so unhappy and lonely. Never had I known such feelings until  
then, and you were the security I wanted, not Ashley, never Ashley.

You told me you couldn't live with me and lie to me and certainly couldn't  
lie to yourself, but Rhett, you did that for years. Why was it easy for you   
to lie when you loved me and impossible when you didn't?

I don't want you to lie to me, you don't have to pretend you love me if you  
don't, I just don't understand, why you won't give me a chance.

The children and I are living at Tara. They miss you a lot but have adjusted  
well. They often ask about you and I've told them you needed some time  
alone.

Wade is becoming very handsome, he still wants to go to Harvard and I'm  
getting used to the idea. I've hired a tutor to teach him, Ella and   
Suellen's eldest. Wade has a bright head and loves to study, he is very good  
with the numbers and is split between his desire to be a lawyer, as his  
father, or work in a bank, just like you. Honestly, I think he really wants  
to follow your footsteps but that he feels obligated to Melanie to follow  
Charlie's. I hope I can make him do what is best for him.

Ella is another subject, she can't keep her mind on anything, I fear for  
her. But thanks to Mr. Cooper we have found a talent in her, she loves to  
sing and is rather good at it for her age. She can not sit still for long   
but she has improved.

With love,

Scarlett Butler

New Orleans, Louisiana

February 30th 1874

Scarlett,

I had hoped that time and my absence had convinced you of the good reason in  
a divorce, I see it has not.

I have read your letter several times, before I decided to answer it.

Scarlett, Bonnie loved you. She missed you very much when I took her with  
me, she was the reason we came back when we did, she wanted her mother.

When people asked her, who was the prettiest lady she knew she always said;  
'Mother'. She spoke of you often to people, I just never told you, I wanted  
you to believe you had no place in her heart as I had no place in yours. It  
was cruel of me and I apologize. I wanted her to belong to me alone, no one  
ever had. But she didn't, she was as a big a part of you as she was of me.

She never doubted she was loved by any of us.

I never saw your grief; I only saw your anger and accusations. You seemed to  
land back on your feet mighty quickly. And I did blame myself, you had often  
pointed out Bonnie needed discipline, but I never could say no to my little  
angel. Never once did I stop to think you wanted the best for Bonnie, I  
thought you wanted to bully her, as you did anyone in your presence.

We had a special bond, our daughter, but it wasn't unbreakable, it broke  
when Bonnie went, she took all with her. She was my life.

You had known about Belle for years, why did it suddenly matter to you-  
because you needed comfort? I find it hard to believe it was because you  
wanted to comfort me in my loneliness; Belle did that, and never once   
accused me of what you did. Besides that, I think it would have been too  
late at that time Scarlett, too much had happened and you never had needed  
me before. You needed only my money.

So you wanted me, when did you want me before? I don't know if I need the  
answer to that question, it matters so little now.

If you had listened to me that night you would know why I won't live on lies  
anymore. I'm tired, I feel old and I lost everything when I lost my angel,  
nothing matters enough anymore to lie for, perhaps you can say, I've lost  
all hopes. I just want what peace I can find in this world. I'm not a  
patient man; I don't have the time to be one anymore.

How can I give you a chance when I don't believe we can make it?

Wade and Ella, please give them my love for I do love them. I would love to  
hear Ella singing some day and discuss the financial world with Wade.  
Perhaps one day.

If you don't mind I would like to be updated on your children.

I take it that you don't live in your horror of a house anymore, I wonder  
what to do with it, but I bought it for you so it will stay with you, I  
guess.

Rhett

Tara, Clayton County, Georgia

February 6th 1874

Dear Rhett,

Thank you, for letting me know Bonnie loved me and knew I loved her. It  
means a lot to me. Now I don't feel as guilty. But I doubt the void will  
ever be less, I just hope I can learn to live with it.

Landed on my feet? Mother of God! I wish I had. I always knew how to land on  
my feet, didn't I? But no, I haven't Rhett. I never did land after I lost  
the baby and Bonnie. For the first time in my life I can't see the road  
ahead of me anymore, I have lost my direction. But there is no need for you  
to fear, I will not hunt you down.

Is that what every one thought? That I didn't care about my children, that I  
was the hard hearted Scarlett Butler? I'll bet they pitied you for only   
having me left.

I'm just not good at showing my weaknesses. I only had Melly left, then I  
lost her as well, who cared about my pain? Even Mammy assumed I could stand  
whatever fate had in store for me. But how does one handle the death of a   
child? I don't know.

Loosing the baby was more painful and agonizing than the births of any of my  
children. But it was nothing compared to loosing Bonnie, or you.

You asked me when I wanted you; I've told you before, after... After... when  
we last shared a bed. I was so worried when you disappeared and I missed you  
so. If you hadn't been so nasty when you came back, I would have welcomed  
you back into my arms, but how could I? You had gone from me to . . . to  
Belle. And I bitterly regret that I ever asked for separate bedrooms, I  
regretted it the very minute you closed the door behind you, and if I had  
known how to, I would have taken my words back. But you didn't want me, you  
made that plain.

No, I haven't set foot in our home since I left it, I can't bear it and I  
can't face Atlanta right now. But I don't want to sell it; it was where  
Bonnie lived her short life. But I'm not ready to face the horrible memories  
yet.

You are welcome to see the children at any time; you have been the only   
father figure they ever have known. I have always cherished the way you  
handled my children, most stepfathers merely tolerate children of former  
husbands. I just never realized what you found so appealing about them.

I'm bonding with them, or at least trying, it's not my first try you know,  
my first was when you left me the first time. At that time I failed, I  
failed because my attempt was only half hearted. It wasn't them I wanted but   
Bonnie. It was Mammy who opened my eyes; we only see what we have until we  
loose it, the words were not spoken to me but to Ella. She was crying over a  
broken doll she never had played with. But the words stayed with me; finally  
I had a chance to tell someone I love them before I loose them. My children.

Wade is a helpful boy, we have found a common ground on bookkeeping, and the   
hours fly by when we run over the ledgers for Tara and the store. Often it  
leads us to conversation of other topics as well. He asks so many questions  
of his father, questions I wish I could answer, and of his aunt Melly. It  
eases the pain to speak of her and I think it does us both good to remember  
her good deeds and the more funny situations. Most often our talks end with  
his questions of you, how you were at his age and what you would do in given  
situations, he admires and loves you quite a bit. He seems to worry that you  
might have another boy, it slipped from his tongue one day but he won't tell  
me why he thinks you do.

Ella, she is harder. It was difficult for me to be in my oldest daughter's   
company for a long time, she reminded me of another little girl and the  
feelings of guilt overwhelm me. When I remember some of my thoughts, they  
are unspeakable. Ella is just a little girl, she doesn't deserve to be  
compared to some one else. I do my best but it's difficult. We are best  
together when we walk around Tara and she is in charge of the talking, she  
doesn't expect much from me just my ears.

My thoughts keep coming back to the bond we have together. To me it's  
unbreakable, even if Bonnie isn't here, she will always live on in us, we  
begotten her together and that can never be changed. She would never have  
been Bonnie Blue Butler if she hadn't been the child of you and I. Look at  
Wade and Ella; they are more like their fathers than like me, they would   
have been born the same from different mothers, but not Bonnie. It will  
always take the two of us to create such a special child. The memories of  
her will always bond us together; I can't share them with others like I  
could with you. I've no one to say to: "Do you remember when Bonnie. . ."

That's the hardest part, after a certain amount of time people expect you to   
move on, like you could forget your own child, they stop listening to you  
and you can see the frustrated glint in their eyes, if you mention her. At  
least it's what I've experienced.

Rhett you are the most patient person I've ever met, you waited for me for  
years. Now I understand that searching look in your eyes. It was a cat  
around a mouse hole, I was the mouse and you the cat waiting for me to be  
caught.

Belle, I can say her name now without choking on it or feeling great pain.   
You know I meet her once after. She looked caring, almost motherly at me. I  
always cared after you went from me to her, it made me feel so small and  
worthless that you chose her over me, that I was just another body to you.

I did want your comfort; like I wanted to give you mine. You were the only  
one going through the same grief as I, I wanted us to remember her and keep   
her alive together. I wanted to stop feeling all alone in the world, to feel  
lost and in our loneliness; I believed we could help each other.

I will keep you updated on the children.

With love,

Scarlett Butler.

New Orleans, Louisiana,

February 18th 1874

Scarlett,

Reading your letters several times I, now, question if I ever could read you   
like an open book. It appears not to be the case, when concerning me.

This is not easy for me but I've a proposal to you, I promised to come once  
in a while to keep gossip down, a promise I've not been keen on keeping. But  
reading about Wade and Ella made me realize the importance of keeping my  
word, they will be the ones suffering if I don't. They deserve the chance to  
be accepted again in Atlanta.

Will you meet me in our house on April 8? I will be there at 10 in the  
morning. I think it would be best to leave the children out this first time.  
If we can manage, I think we need a week to pretend we are still a married   
couple in the eyes of Atlanta.

Please wire your response to The Grand Hotel in New Orleans.

Rhett


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

Thank you so much for the kind and wonderful reviews.

I'm sorry for the format of chapter one, I've tried to change it but it won't work.

This story is testing my patience, it follows a slower pace than I normally use and doesn't always come easy but I'm staying with it.

Scarlett stared at the words 'meet him in their home?' Was she ready for   
this? Ready to face Atlanta again? She knew she wouldn't be welcomed, she  
had burnt every bridge in that city, and now that Melanie was gone, she  
didn't have a single friend left in that cold place. Rhett would be welcomed  
back, all the ladies would be on their toes to help this man, the man they  
once held only spite for, his loss was considered heavier than hers. As  
though she had no part in their daughter.

Why had he picked that day of them all? Had he known all the years or was it  
just another twist of fate?

See Rhett again, it was all she had longed for the first few months, but  
now, she was frightened, so frightened of seeing him again. Not that her  
feelings for this enigmatical man had died, but could she survive his being  
indifferent to her or the blow when he left her again? Or would the madness  
of learning how to breath return?

She wasn't ready to make her decision yet, the emotions running through her  
mind were too confusing to be put in order. Her lungs were fighting against  
the air it desperately needed, her chest ached painfully and her breath came  
in fast gasps that never reached her lungs. She needed fresh air to calm   
her, needed to feel the earth of Tara underneath her feet. She quickly left  
her room and crept silently through the house until she was on the veranda,  
she then picked up speed, hoping to get away without being noticed. It  
should be easy, the children were studying and Suellen napping.

Tara.

Tara was the only constancy in her life, it had never left her as so many  
had in her young life. Scarlett had lost both her parents and two husbands  
before she had turned 24. Now she was close to her 29th birthday, and, now,  
to the list of losses she could add an unborn baby, her favourite daughter,  
her best friend and a third husband. Rhett hadn't died, but left her on his  
own free will. It was that which hurt the most.

The mild breeze caressed her cheek and made the cotton fields of Tara look  
like the tempting image of a white sea.

Pride was in Scarlett's heart and mind. No, she hadn't lost everything, she  
had Tara and two living children from two deceased husbands.

Still, Tara was more like a farm than the proud plantation she once had  
been, but Tara had improved since the war. Will was doing a good job, he  
worked hard and cared almost as much about Tara as she did. To Scarlett, it  
was more than caring, Tara was a part of her, it was something that couldn't  
be easily explained or understood, she needed the red earth of Tara. It gave  
her strength and reminded her of her roots, it spoke to the Irish in her. It  
had always been the inheritance from her pa, the one thing that had given  
her strength to survive all the hard blows that had been thrown at her. If  
she was away from Tara for too long, she would stumble and loose her way.

And she had lost her way too many times to count; fate had played its evil  
game at her expense and taken away all the people who had once cared about her. Yet, Scarlett was standing; she had faced the storms of her life head on and hadn't broken down. But only Scarlett knew that she was just barely standing.

Each day was a new trial to face, her heart had not recovered from her  
recent losses, the pain was still able to break her, if she was not on guard  
each minute of the day. She was standing, but with a shallow frame.

They had been at Tara for ten months now; they had come when Rhett had  
left her. The former shine of pride in her eyes had left and was replaced by  
deep sorrow. The sorrow never left her gaze now. It had taken harbour in the  
depth of her pale green eyes, turning them into a darker, wounded shade of  
green. Gone was the sparkling, spirited air around Scarlett, it had been  
replaced with the fear she had first felt after Bonnie's death, when the raw  
sorrow had left her and she had needed Rhett, had wanted to reach out to  
him, only to discover that he had been unreachable. It was a fear she didn't   
understand or knew how to fight, all her life she had fought battles against  
visible things, like hunger and need of money, but this went deeper and was  
darker. She had money, she didn't starve, but she felt more lost than at  
anytime in her life.

She wondered if she would ever feel safe again, her world had changed so   
many times and left her uncertain, if she could survive another blow.

Slowly her breathing calmed with each step she took, the red earth of Tara  
underneath her feet gave her strength to face Rhett's proposal. She would  
go! Running from her fears wouldn't help her; she would willingly enter the  
storm one more time.

The next time Will had business in Jonesboro Scarlett asked to come with   
him. Her excuse for going was important business affairs, saying she had  
neglected her responsibilities of the store for far too long. Will asked no  
questions and had no objections to her coming along.

Scarlett bought a train ticket for April 8th, wired Rhett in New Orleans and  
wired the house to be ready. Fortunately Pork and Cookie had preferred to  
stay in the house, Pork to be near his wife, Dilcey, and Cookie to be close  
to her children.

The days went by in a puzzling pace, some times it seemed the hours and days  
sped past her and other times they dragged by, as if time had frozen.  
Suellen wasn't happy that Scarlett would leave her children at Tara; she  
believed Scarlett ran off to fill her life with exciting luxuries. Scarlett  
explained, again and again, it was a matter of business that required her   
presence in Atlanta. But every word fell on deaf ears. Excitements! If only  
that was the truth and not that she was about to enter the lions carve.

Wade was disappointed; he wanted to come with her, he missed Beau and the city. Scarlett promised him to take him with her next time, and perhaps she could bring Beau with her back, if Ashley would agree. Ella was indifferent, she liked it at Tara, and her uncle Rhett wouldn't be there anyway. She would miss her mother but knew she would come back.

Scarlett decided against taking Prissy with her, the girl would inform the  
darkies at Tara about Rhett, and soon it would catch the ears of Suellen and  
she couldn't let that happen. No, she would ask Cookie to find a girl to  
help her; Cookie's family was big enough to have an available girl to help  
her for a week.

Suddenly it was April 8th, it was a sunny Friday with its promise of a  
lovely spring day, and it was not too warm or too cold. The day was  
perfect. Luckily, Scarlett had to leave quite early in the morning to catch  
her train, which made it impossible for Suellen to fuss over Scarlett, on this day that would be special to most people except Scarlett, if she had wanted to, which Scarlett really wasn't sure of.

Will took her the station; he would use the opportunity to check on the  
cotton prices this year.

Alone in the train compartment, time rushed by- leaving Scarlett in a cold  
sweat and short for breath, and it was not because her corset had been laced  
too tightly, for she was not even wearing one, embarrassing as it was. She  
had wanted to be able to undress by herself for the night if Cookie's  
relative couldn't start today. The cold sweat and difficulty breathing were   
from her fear and insecurities, and they made her long to run as fast as she  
could in the opposite direction.

The train arrived in Atlanta slightly after 11. Stepping down from the train   
Scarlett focused on her breathing, it wouldn't do to faint or appear weak,  
not if she wanted to keep her head up in this city that thought so little of  
her. Even without a scene she would be talked about for the next months to  
come, she saw no reason to feed the old guard with new gossip about her.

It was a thin Scarlett with a still, dull face; very similar to the one  
Rhett had put on the train to Jonesboro after the miscarriage, who stepped   
off the train. Her cheeks had a faintly pink shade from her walks around  
Tara, but she held the same air of a lost child she had that many months  
ago. She looked around to see if Pork had come to fetch her, she wouldn't  
have the energy to find a carriage, if he hadn't.

Her eyes fell on a familiar face, she felt a pang in her heart and her  
muscles stiffened. So soon! Oh, she wasn't ready. Ready or not it was the  
dark, swarthy face of Rhett her eyes had caught sight of.

Scarlett paused to look at her husband and was saddened, it was the Rhett  
who had left her, well, he was better groomed but whiskey was still showing  
on his face. His swarthy face was still dangerously bloated and puffs were   
rising under his bloodshot eyes. His body looked soft and his waistline was  
thick.

He wasn't doing any better than she was.

"Hello Rhett!"

She resumed her pace again until she was standing in front of him, he gave  
her a quick peek on her cheek, it was so light that his lips merely touched  
her skin.

"Hello Scarlett. I thought I would be the caring husband and fetch you  
myself"

In the past his words would have been cruel but without the jest or mocking,  
they lost any power they might have intended. His eyes were nothing if not   
dull, he was a beaten man. They were sailing in the same boat and it was  
sinking, she just hoped she could find the holes taking in water before it  
was too late.

"Thank you Rhett" She offered and accepted his outstretched arm.

"No need to thank me, I had nothing better to do and the house felt vacant."

They walked to the carriage in silence. Before Rhett could help Scarlett  
into the carriage, her eyes met those of a bewildered Mrs. Merriwether,  
shock was apparent in her face but she approached the carriage anyway.  
Scarlett sighed deeply; she had only been in Atlanta for five minutes and  
already had to face judgement.

"Captain Butler, Scarlett," Mrs. Merriwether turned to Rhett "I'm so pleased  
to see you again, my thoughts have been with you for some time now."

She had the tone of a mother hen that failed to keep the curiosity out of   
her voice.

"Thank you Mrs. Merriwether." Rhett directed his eyes at the carriage.

"I hope you will stay for a while. Grandpa Merriwether and Mr. Hamilton  
would be so pleased," beneath her pleasantries lay the blatant desire for   
new gossip.

"I'm not sure for how long we will stay Mrs. Merriwether; if you will excuse  
us Scarlett is tired from travelling."

Scarlett looked at him, he wouldn't be considered polite but gone was the  
rudeness with which he had met everyone following their loss. Mrs.  
Merriwether bade the Butler's farewell, a smile on her face. Rhett was still  
a hero in the eyes of Atlanta.

He helped her into the carriage and sat on the seat across from her, again  
silence fell upon them.

Then they were home. Rhett helped her down as Pork opened the door.

"Miss Scarlett!" Pork came down the stairs to get her luggage, "Welcome  
back, how are they at Tara?"

"Just fine, just fine Pork. It's good to see you."

And it was, Pork had been with her through good and bad times, he hadn't  
always liked her but he had faithfully stayed.

"How is Dilcey?"

"Just fine Miss Scarlett and so's the boy. A fine boy"

"I'm sure he is Pork."

Scarlett took a deep breath and entered her home, half expecting to be met  
by a sweet giggling, that would signal it had all been a bad dream, instead,  
it was deep silence that welcomed her.

The house was depressing, she had been so proud of it when she first moved  
in, it had been her dream of a house, now, looking around she noticed the   
gloominess of it. The thick red carpeting, the red velvet portieres, the  
black-walnut furniture, the many gilt framed mirrors and long pier-glasses  
left her in a state from which she didn't know whether to laugh or cry from.  
At Tara she had gotten used to air and sunlight, here the sunlight was kept  
out by the windows over draped with plum-coloured plush hangings.

Scarlett turned her attention to Cookie, who came to welcome her master and   
mistress. After a polite exchange of pleasantries, cookie had promised to  
send for her cousin's daughter. Scarlett climbed the stairs to her room, the  
strain of the past months evident on her face.

It felt strange to be in her room, she seemed more used to her shabby and  
sparcely decorated room at Tara. It was in this room she had born her  
precious daughter. She pulled back the curtains and opened a window; she  
needed fresh air to fill her lungs.

She freshened up, changed her dress and went down to take her dinner with  
Rhett.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I hope the format will be better in this chapter, I don't know what I'm doing wrong!

Even the dining room was dim and had its share of mirrors, how was she   
supposed to sit in this gloominess and enjoy a meal? As if it were not  
enough with the empty chair that forever would remind her of her greatest  
loss. Scarlett turned and called for Pork.

"Pork please open up a window in here and if it's possible please remove the  
hangings." There was none of the former demanding in her voice.

Pork did his best and removed half of the hangings from one window; it  
allowed the room to be lit by the spring sun.

Pork helped her into her chair before he left, in the door he met Rhett who  
was about to enter the room. Rhett stepped back and allowed Pork to pass.

His dark eyes fell on the empty chair, remembrance was evident in his eyes,   
and with effort he withdrew them, noticing the open window. His brow went up  
in question:

"Something wrong with the window Scarlett?"

"No, I just needed some fresh air and light"

"Ah, I guess that's what the county does to you," he found his usual place  
at the table.

A young girl Scarlett never had met before served the dinner; she introduced  
herself as Plenty and was the daughter of uncle Peter's second cousin.

"How have you been Rhett?"

"Not all together bad and not all together well." Their eyes met for a quick  
glance before he broke it.

"And how has life treated you Scarlett?"

She stared at her plate and used her fork to push the food around, appetite  
was a stranger to her, she who always had such a healthy one.

"Well, I'm still alive." She looked at his plate, he hadn't touched more of  
his food than she had, but had swallowed two glasses of wine fast.

"You have more than I do, it will get you through," there was not bitterness  
in his voice; "Perhaps you were smarter than me altogether. At least you  
have two children left."

"Why, they have always been more yours than mine Rhett. If you want you   
still have them. I won't keep them away from you."

"You never were good with them Scarlett but thank you for sharing them. I   
have always thought of them as my children."

"No, it has never been easy for me to handle them; I don't know how it was   
for you."

Again their eyes met, Scarlett felt the same distance between them that had  
been there months before he had left her, he kept her at an arm's length.  
No, something had changed, she just couldn't tell what it was, she never had  
been good at analyzing feelings and such. He looked so tired.

"They were a part of you Scarlett, therefore it felt easy for me to love   
them and they have always liked me." He reached for the bottle of wine.

"What will you be doing while we are here Scarlett? Taking care of the  
store, it must have been hard for you to be away from it for so long."

"Why, I haven't given it much thought. I guess I will have to visit the  
store. And I should buy new outfits for the children; they grow so fast you   
know. What will you be doing Rhett?"

"I have to figure that out, I guess gambling is out of the question, after  
all I'm here to quiet gossip, not start it. I will help you with the   
outfits, I'm sure I can find the right clothes for Wade."

"Thank you"

The rest of the meal was taken in silence. The bottle of wine disappeared  
fast but the food was hardly touched on either plate.

Scarlett was looking for Pork and found him in the kitchen eating his dinner  
with Cookie and Plenty; she had rarely been to the kitchen but had always  
sent for Cookie, when she wanted to plan a party or supper. Cookie kept the  
large kitchen with a steel hand and was proud of it, she wasn't always proud  
of the people who came to eat her cooking, but she was well paid.

"Pork and Plenty when you are finished will you please remove the drapes  
from the windows in the parlor, dinning room and hall and please add more  
candles to the rooms as well. I would like my coffee on the veranda behind  
the house. Thank you."

She left the kitchen before they could ask any questions, she didn't care  
how they removed the curtains just that they did. She couldn't live in this  
darkness for a week. She felt like the walls were closing around her. She  
stepped through the parlor and out into the garden. It would be a long day.

She didn't see Rhett again before suppertime, she had spent most of her time  
on the veranda, she was clueless what he had used his time for. She hadn't  
bothered to change her dress again, at Tara she had never changed her dress  
during the day, why start now?

The dinning room was more inviting now that sunlight was allowed in and no  
heavy drapes hid the view of the garden. It was too early to light the  
candles except the ones on the table. Rhett was already seated in his chair,  
his face was covered with an inward, speculative expression, from which she  
couldn't tell if he was sad or angry.

She sat down and fastened her eyes on the garden through the window. She  
remembered past suppers with three talking children, they had always given  
her head aches and she had never taken the time to listen to, what she found  
to be, their silliness. Today, though, she would have welcomed their little   
voices instead of this dreadful quiet.

She didn't know how to break the ice or if he wanted the ice to be broken.

"Miss Scarlett. Dilcey sayz Mr. Wilkes sends his congratulation to you on   
this day."

"Thank you Pork." Turning to Rhett she gave a bittersweet smile, "News  
travels fast in Atlanta."

"It always has Scarlett," pausing he looked at her "Why does Mr. Wilkes  
sends his congratulations Scarlett?"

"Oh, I don't know Rhett" she lied.

"Scarlett please don't lie, it's a simple question."

"There is nothing simple about it Rhett," she looked directly at him, "but I  
will tell you, it's my birthday. A day I always ignore. And this year there  
are even less to celebrate."

"Ah, I never knew. This day it was 29 years ago the world was introduced to  
Scarlett O'Hara. Congratulations, Scarlett O'Hara!" He raised his glass in a   
toast and gave her a half smile "And you chose to celebrate your day with  
me, I should be honored."

"Thank you Rhett. Scarlett O'Hara! It's been a long time since I've thought   
of myself as Scarlett O'Hara." She drank a large mouthful of the wine.

"Then by what name do you think of yourself?"

"Scarlett Butler, of course!"

"Ah, I see, when did you start seeing yourself as Scarlett Butler?" His eyes  
had become less dull.

"Oh, I don't know. Years ago. So many I can't remember."

"And you never took the time to analyze why you became Scarlett Butler?"

"You know me, I don't analyze much. But I often wondered about you and our   
marriage you know. I did that from the day you married me."

"I see!"

They agreed to have their coffee in the parlor, Rhett seemed more willing of  
being in her company now that he knew it was her birthday, conversation  
between them was still stiff and awkward but they weren't fighting or being  
mean to each other, and that was a start.

"I must say I find your need for air refreshing, it makes the house almost  
look inviting." Rhett drawled, when the silence between them had become  
almost painful.

"Yes I know, now I just need to remove all the glasses and mirrors, they cut  
into my eyes. It's amazing we could navigate in that darkness Rhett."

"Maybe we couldn't, maybe we couldn't Scarlett." He smiled "We need light to  
see things in their true lights and colors, and we never were overly fond of  
light were we?"

"I guess not" she knew his words ran deeper and she had a feeling of what he  
pointed at, she had started to understand so much in the fresh air at Tara,  
but it was still difficult for her to process her feelings, she just had to  
trust them.

"Did you invite light into your life Rhett?"

His laughter was hollow, "I can't say that I have. I've spent most of my  
times playing poker, and poker is played in darkness and late at night with  
a good bottle of whiskey."

"Oh, how did it go with making amends in Charleston?"

"I never really gave it a try, people in Charleston have a better memory  
than the good people of Atlanta. And this time I was on my own and- well, I  
like my whiskey. Somehow it didn't matter when I was on my own."

"I'm sorry. I wish I had a reputation left here, now I understand the   
comfort of sharing memories and a past with people. It would feel awful good  
to talk to people who cared and had been in a similar situation." There was  
real regret in her voice, "There were so many things I didn't understand  
before Rhett."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You were so young, even younger than I ever   
gave you credit for."

"But I valued the wrong things Rhett."

"Scarlett, so did I. But I was older and not any wiser."

He reached for the whiskey decanter to pour his third large portion.

Swiftly, she stood up and placed her hands atop of his,

"Please Rhett, don't. If you continue it will kill you. It saddens me to see  
you destroy yourself. I couldn't say it a year ago but now I can. Please!"

"When did you turn into an angel, Scarlett?" his words were harsh not his  
tone of voice.

"Since I was sick, I never really started again after that. And it's hard to  
find brandy at Tara."

He removed his hand from hers, "It's not easy, you know"

"No, but I will gladly help you." she replied.

They watched the candles burn down, both lost in thoughts, both knew sleep  
wouldn't come easy. But finally Rhett suggested the find their beds and  
called it a day.

Scarlett paced the floor in her bedroom, she couldn't sleep and she had  
tried for two hours. Oh, it was so hard to breathe, she needed to get out of  
this room. She opted against slippers not wanting to awake Rhett if he was  
sleeping. He may have had enough whiskey to find sleep. She tiptoed down to  
the parlor where she opened the French doors to the garden. From the settee  
she could watch the stars and the moon. She poured a glass of water and  
relaxed.

Behind her the door opened, puzzled she turned to see who was awake in this   
hour of the night. She should've known it was Rhett.

"Sorry Scarlett, I didn't know you were in here. I will find another room"

"Don't be silly, do come in. There is room for both of us. Nothing can be  
considered small in this house you know."

"No, this house is ostentatiously large in everything. It comes with  
ill-gotten money, you know."

He placed a chair so he viewed the night sky as well, he found a glass and  
poured some water instead of whiskey or brandy, she was grateful for that.  
She had been honest- it killed her to see him so beaten, he who had always  
been her mountain.

"I know, someone once told me. I didn't believe him"

"And now?" he kept his eyes on the moon.

"Now, I do."

"Maybe it will improve with years like a good wine."

"I think it's different Rhett, a wine has to be kept in the dark to improve,  
this house need a change to improve."

"Touché. Would you like to change it Scarlett?"

Why did she always feel there was a double meaning to so many of his words?  
Would she always sense a test in their conversations?

"I would, I couldn't live in this gloominess again Rhett. But I'm not sure I  
have anything to hold me in Atlanta anymore."

"Feel free to use my money on the house. That might hold you here?"

"No, not really Rhett, that wouldn't be enough." Her statement was without  
emotion.

For a long time they watched the dark blue sky, some of the awkwardness had  
been replaced with a friendlier air, an air they never had known between  
them before. Not even in the first months of marriage, when things had been  
good between them. Now, they seemed too tired to pretend to be people they   
weren't anymore.

"It's hardest at night" Rhett broke the silence.

"Yes, memories haunt best at night when everything is quiet."

"During the day I can pretend she is still with me, that all I have to do is  
return home to supper, and she will run to me with her sweet love." He   
stared at his hands they were shaking slightly.

"But at night when I find myself in a hotel room I can't pretend anymore,   
then I remember I don't have a home or a family anymore and that sends me to  
the poker tables with plenty of whiskeys."

They were on unfamiliar ground; Rhett was never usually this honest.

"That's the same that keeps me awake at night Rhett. I wish so hard I could  
turn back time two years and do it all differently."

"But we can't, Scarlett. We can only hope to make peace with the past."

"Rhett?"

"Yes?"

"You still have a family, if you want it!"

Her words were followed by a heavy sigh from Rhett.

When the sky turned from dark blue into indigo blue and indigo scarlet he  
suggested they head to bed and find sleep. They parted outside her bedroom  
door with a friendly nod of their heads. Sleep granted Scarlett some peace   
for the first time that day.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Thanks for your reviews! I will try to update faster next time.

Five hours later Scarlett was ready to face a new day, for the past eleven months she hadn't been able to sleep for more than a few hours a time, close to five hours sleep was a luxury she rarely had. The door to Rhett's room was closed and she hoped that meant he was still asleep, the dark circle under his eyes told a tale of lack of sleep for more than a few weeks. She guessed he had suffered for insomnia as long as she had, and it was forever. The only news about it was; that now a day she awoke from sleep when she, at last, found some.

She found her place on the veranda where Plenty served the coffee, the new girl Ester would start today. Scarlett asked the two girls and Pork to take the mirrors down in the dining room, parlour and the Hall, if it was possible she would also like them to remove the glasses.

And no, she wasn't hungry.

The yard was quiet and peaceful, it wasn't as well kept as it had been when she lived in the house but it was more appealing now, she wonder why she hadn't noticed before, how soothing it was to her soul to be in the yard around her home.

The answer was that she never had been much home when she lived here, and when she had, the house had been full of people and she had been too restless to spend any time outside doing nothing.

She had only been outside to admire Bonnie's riding skills on Mr. Butler, and even that had been far between.

From here she couldn't see the spot where Bonnie and Mr. Butler had practice every day, which was why she had chosen this part of the veranda, she avoided the images that would come, if she could that place of the yard.

But from here she could see the ridiculous statues of the stag and the mastiff, once they had made her proud but, now, she had forgotten the reason why.

"In need for more fresh air?" His voice startled her; he was balancing a tray in his hands with fresh coffee and cups.

"Yes, what's the meaning of having a veranda if you don't use it?"

"I have never been a collector of things I have no use for, so I wouldn't know," He replied.

"Rhett have you ever liked the statues?"

He looked at them, reflecting her question, "No I can say I ever did" he gave her one of his half smile, which never reached his eyes.

"They are rather big," she kept her eyes on the stag "How would you have liked this house Rhett?"

"I don't know Scarlett, it's the first home I have had since I left my mother's. I assume I would have liked something simpler. It's so easy to avoid company in this house. But I built it for you so it didn't matter, you liked it."

"I wonder why. To be envied I guess but they never did envy me. Perhaps secretly they envied the money we had, but money matters little when you have lost all that is important in this world." Sadness made her voice thick.

"What is important to you these days Scarlett. I remember when money was of a great issue to you along with some other things." This time he looked at her with eyes less dull, a slightly glimmer of alert had come into them.

She wasn't sure she wanted to answer that question, suddenly she felt shy and was afraid he would laugh.

"The security of family and friends…Love…. It would be nice to be important enough for a person to be loved by him, and love that person back in return. I wanted our baby so much, I guess you never knew, but I did. I think I would like more children and the stability of a solid relationship." She kept her eyes on the statues, never daring to meet his eyes.

"Ah, you did mention children in one of your letters, a boy and a girl, if I remember correctly. You dreamt of a boy with my features, do you know, I cherished Bonnie because she was so alike you? Always at cross purposes, but really wanting the same. What a waste of life."

"What do you want of life Rhett?" she dared asking.

"Peace. I fear my heart can't take more drama. You are stronger than I ever were Scarlett. You survived so many struggles and losses. I admire that in you."

"I fear for another blow Rhett, I don't know if I could survive that."

Their eyes locked and together they shared a moment of peace and honesty.

"Would you like me to take you to the store? After all, we are here to be seen together."

"The store! I guess that would be fine." It was time to face her enemies again.

Rhett had chosen the open carriage because it was a beautiful spring day and how could he know what it would do to her, Scarlett tried to reassured herself when panic stoke. But she couldn't ignore that she was fully exposed Atlanta's fine people, after today every one who hated her would know she was in town. Rhett drove slowly as to make sure they were seen.

The first to see them was Grandpa Merriwether, who was out delivering his daughter-in-law's pies, he nearly jumped in joy when he saw Rhett, fortunately he couldn't stop but yelled:

"Captain Butler! Scarlett. Excellent you are back in town Captain Butler."

Rhett nodded his head friendly but offered no words while Scarlett stared at the road before her. When she spotted Mrs. Meade together with Mrs. Elsing she unconsciously moved closer to Rhett but kept her head as high as she could, she wouldn't let them know how much their judgements hurt her. Rhett neither moved away from her nor offered her an arm for support. He had to stop when Mrs. Meade approached the carriage with a determined expression in her face.

"Captain Butler! Scarlett," she looked solely at Rhett "I must say I glad to see you back!"

"Thank you Mrs Meade, Mrs Elsing" he bowed his head.

"I hate to interfere, but I have been worried about you, it was a terrible loss. But there could be other children I'm sure, and I do believe it would be the best that could happen."

At the last statement she looked sourly at Scarlett, without doubt she blamed her for not having produced a new child to captain Butler yet. Scarlett felt Rhett stiffen at Mrs. Meade's very rude and prying words. He tipped his hat

"That's an issue between Scarlett and I Mrs. Meade" he said and drove of.

All the ladies that had admired Bonnie greeted Rhett but he didn't stop to exchange any more words and finally they arrived at the store.

When Rhett had climbed down the carriage he turned to help Scarlett down, she took his hand but her focus was elsewhere; when her foot left the footboard it got stuck in the hem of her dress and she lost her balance, tilting directly into Rhett's chest. Her eyes hasten to his face while she tried to free her foot from the dress, she saw his frown changed into surprise and with embarrassment, she remembered that she had forgotten to have the new girl lace her up this morning. She hadn't expected to go anywhere, and she had dressed before she was introduced to the girl.

Quickly Rhett stepped back, bowed and lifted the hem to free her slipper. Oh, what mustn't he think of her now and what would others think? Oh! To be caught in such an embarrassing moment.

"Skirts can be mighty challenging" the blackness of his eyes told her he was remembering another episode when her skirt had been caught on something.

Her thoughts turned to the night at the bazaar when her skirt had been caught on a nail of the booth, when she wanted to escape him.

Blushing she mumbled "Thank you," refusing to meet his eyes.

"Breaking free of cages can be a redemption," he winked at her "An what a refreshing feeling to witness it."

Why couldn't he be a gentleman and pretend he hadn't noticed the lacking of her corset? She felt so wanton, but he was right, it was a refreshing feeling to breath freely. And he wouldn't be Rhett if didn't mention her shame.

"For the love of God you can't say such things Rhett, when every one can hear you!"

"But I could say them if we were alone?" Some of the old jest was back in his emotionless voice.

"How you do run on. But I guess you could" she blushed again.

He followed her into the store, she looked around, it was a jumble of goods and all to dusty for her taste but it was crowded with people, more than she could remember visiting on Saturdays.

"How long will you be here Scarlett?"

"Oh, not long, will you wait?" she asked, she had no desire to stay and deal with people.

"Of course" he sighed.

Inside her office Scarlett briefly looked in the ledger, she would take it with her and look at it later today or tomorrow, here would be plenty of time to work during this week.

She approached the desk to speak a word with the clerk when her eyes fell on a familiar face; Belle Watling. Like the last time they had met, Belle stared at her with a searching look in her eyes, pity and sympathy evident in her face.

Scarlett froze, would this day never end? Nothing was spared her today; being in Atlanta had turned out worse than expected. Facing her husband's mistress through many years, she remembered that Rhett was somewhere in the store and she flushed. She wouldn't bear to witness Rhett greeting his mistress, no, that would be more than she could stomach.

Scarlett darted for the door without saying goodbye to the puzzled clerk.

When she passed Rhett he reached for her and got hold of her arm:

"Are you all right Scarlett?" he scanned her faced.

"Fine Rhett I just need some fresh air" she gasped for air.

He didn't release her arm but looked inquiring around the store, when his eyes fell on Belle understanding showed in his face. He nodded his head slightly but redraw his eyes to Scarlett.

"Are you ready to go Mrs. Butler?" he asked and looped her arm into his.

Scarlett was grateful, Rhett hadn't humiliated her by acknowledge his mistress and it seemed Belle Watling had also taken mercy on her, staying in the far end of the store.

Seated in the carriage Scarlett fought with her breath, trying to take the air all the way down and into her stomach, her lungs screamed for air demanding quick breaths, but she knew it would only stop, if she slowed her breathing. This was worse than wearing a corset.

"What's the matter Scarlett?" the concern in his voice was honest.

"Nothing. I'm fine, just needed a bit of fresh air," she lied and he accepted it.

Slowly, her breathing calmed and when they arrived home she was breathing normally.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Thanks for your reviews, I love them! This is a short chapter.

Until supper they were both quiet and in silent agreement avoided each other. Scarlett worked the ledgers and Rhett was somewhere in the house.

Scarlett couldn't forget the episode in the store, what where the odds for running into Belle Watling in her own store? They couldn't be that high, but on the other hand did Belle know Scarlett would be in town? Did Rhett still see her? Oh, her head started aching from those thoughts.

Scarlett was the first in the dining room, it gave her time to study the room, Pork, Plenty and Ester had worked hard and removed the mirrors and glasses, it had left bare marks on the dark wallpaper, but it spared her from seeing her own reflection all the time, and it had soften the room's appealing. Yet, it appeared colder than she wishes but it would do until she knew what to do with the house.

It amused her that her grand house now held a slightly shabby look; her highly fancied house had marks on the walls and was in need for new curtains. It was like her; she needed new landmarks to direct her, the walls needed new wallpapers and the curtains for her eyes were also gone, she saw her life clearly now, and she wasn't attracted by glitter anymore.

Rhett had been wrong, it had changed, and she had changed.

"What a relief not meeting myself a thousands times going through this house!"

She hadn't heard Rhett coming into the room.

"Was there something wrong with the reflections?" She smiled.

Rhett made a sound that almost sounded like a chuckle, "They all were reflections of an old man, I could never figure out why."

"That's exactly why I had them removed Rhett Butler, to avoid that old couple reflected in them."

He held her chair and poured her a glass of wine before he found his own seat.

"Rhett?"

"Hmm"

She didn't know if it would be wise to ask but she needed to know, it was eating at her:

"Will you be going out to night?"

"No, where would I want to go Scarlett? He looked oddly at her.

"Well I just thought - I assumed you would…"

"Would what?"

"Oh, you know - go to her!"

"No! I'm not going anywhere Scarlett," he took a bite of his food, "I did read your letters, and understand I hurt you deliberately with my - hmm, acquaintance with Mrs. Watling. I'm sorry you had to meet her today, but believe me, she didn't know I was in town."

"Oh!" He knew it had hurt her to meet his mistress today, "was that how you felt when you saw me with As…Mr. Wilkes?"

"It made me feel cold at heart and lonely Scarlett. He had your mind and heart, while I for a brief time, had your body and then nothing except -

Belle only had my body and bodies means little to me."

"I always thought is was because of my body you married me until you told me it didn't hold charm for you. After that I couldn't understand your reasons to marry me, and when you rejected me, I thought, I would never know your reasons."

"I always found your body tempting but not enough to marry you, I was sure you would see all my charms after the wedding night and start loving me, and I couldn't stand the thought of you in another man's arms. But I didn't escape that picture by marrying you, did I?"

"No, you didn't. I have never been good at analysing things and look inside myself Rhett, I thought life was all about fighting and surviving and in my mind surviving was equal to money and people envying me." Her voice held sadness and regret.

"And what is life about now Scarlett?"

"Well, to have some one to care about and…" she stopped; it was difficult for her to put her mind into words.

"Pray go on Scarlett"

"And people who cares about me and one who cares enough to share my life, one who knows what I have gone through. Oh, I don't know - stability and peace." Her voice broke; it was foreign for her to examining her heart.

"Stability and peace…" his eyes grew distant, "So unfamiliar grounds and yet so tempting."

"Rhett do you think people like us can ever find peace and stability?"

"We seem to have a harder time finding it than most people do, I believe we have to make peace with the struggles inside us to find peace, and that means letting go of foolishnesses as pride and expectations of how life should be."

"But it feels like a land of confusion Rhett, I'm not sure I can find my way in this misty land with so many different roads and no signs." She looked to him for answer.

"Perhaps it's all about taking one step at a time without thinking of the past or the future but just about the presence. Living in the past has done me no good for the last eight months, that I do know." He laughed an empty laughter.

The rest of the evening was spend in silence only broken by small talk about absolutely nothing at all, it was not a frightening or cold silence as it had always been in the past, it was a more friendly and understanding silence. It was about taking one step at a time.

Scarlett lay in her bed when a new spell came, she lost her breath and couldn't find it again, gasping for air she stumbled out of bed, in her hurry and clumsiness she knocked over the glass of water at the small side table at her bed.

It crashed on the floor and broke into thousand pieces with a loudness that startled her, the water gathered in small patterns escaping into the darkness under the bed.

In her way to the window she tumbled into a chair that made her panic, her lungs were screaming for air but there was no air in the room, it wasn't like she didn't tried to breath she did, she sucked in air in small, sharp portions that never made it down to her lungs or stomach. It was painful. If only she could open the window.

The bedroom door opened and let in some air but not enough, in a matter of seconds she was picked up by two familiar arms, it was Rhett, he had come to help her.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Thanks for reading my story, this is written for my own sake but if anybody likes it, I gladly share.

"Scarlett what's the matter?"

"Window," it was difficult speaking without air, gasping for some she continued "Air!"

He understood, he rearranged her in his arms and freed one to open the window, when it was done he pushed the chair away from the cold breeze with one foot and situated them in it.

He made her lean back against his chest and nestled her head against his cheek. He began to take heavy, calm breaths and she felt his stomach move with each new breath.

"Follow my breath Scarlett," his voice gentle and soothing, very similar to the one he had used to calm Bonnie with when she was scared.

"It will be fine, I'm here darling. Just breath"

Scarlett focused on his breathing, willed her body to follow his, with each breath he took she calmed down and her own breathing found his and followed it. First she was able to take air into her lungs, it subdued her panic, and that allowed the air to continue all the way down into her stomach.

For some time they allowed their bodies to breath as one.

"What happened Scarlett?"

"I'm not really sure" she lied.

"Don't lie, it also happened in the store. How often do you have these spells Scarlett?"

His voice demanded answers.

"Oh, not so often anymore, only when…"

"When what?"

"She started to free herself from his arms to get up, but he tightened his grip on her.

"When what Scarlett?"

She felt trapped "When I remember or think too much" she whispered.

"And what caused it now?"

"Why, I don't know!" she cried.

"Oh yes you do! Tell me Scarlett"

"The picture of Bonnie falling from her pony kept playing in my head and each time I reached for you, you turned away from me and went straight into Belle's arms"

She broke down in his arms and cried like a scared child.

"I miss her so very much Rhett! And I miss you. I loved her so much, I knew she would fall but I couldn't stop her. I want her back Rhett, I want my baby back"

Her body was trembling from grief.

He turned her around and she threw her arms around his neck and nestled her head into the curve between his neck and shoulder. One of his arms found its way around her waist, another stoke her hair.

Scarlett kept crying, she couldn't stop, the grief was too consuming and she was in his arms after such an awful long time.

She felt his body starting to tremble and then her shoulder became damp, Rhett was crying as hard as she was. They clinched to each other like their lives depended upon it, finally they cried together over their daughter's death. Their pain was the same.

Finally, the steam of tears slowed down, Scarlett ran her fingers through Rhett's hair in loving caresses, he responded by stoking her back. Scarlett turned her head slightly and used her hand to dry the tears from Rhett's cheeks.

They locked eyes, they both understood, there was no need to feel embarrassed or weak from what had just happened.

"Have you shared your grief with anyone Rhett?" she asked, her voice weak from crying.

"No, I couldn't. I felt so guilty and alone" he replied.

"It wasn't your fault, she was a wild spirit. I don't hold you responsible Rhett!"

"Thank you Scarlett" he needed her words, needed her forgiveness.

She embraced him, placing small kisses on his cheek, he turned his head and met her mouth in a hungry kiss. She willingly opened her mouth and her tongue started a wild dance with his.

There was desperation in the kiss; it was like they needed this to know they were still among the livings. She felt his body awaking and arouse, her own body responding eagerly.

His kiss changed from passion into gentleness and after some time he broke the kiss and looked into her eyes:

"I don't want to take you like this. I don't want to use you or hurt you Scarlett. I just want to hold you in my arms tonight, if you want me to?"

"Of course I do Rhett. Always" she replied, she too wasn't ready for the other road yet.

Rhett carried her to the bed where he placed her softly before he climbed into his side of it, the side that had been his years ago, she found her way into his arms and placed her head on his chest.

He tightened his hold on her not wanting any space between them. Snuggling closely and feeling the heartbeat of the other, they both found rest and sleep.

Scarlett awoke to the sound of steady heart-beating in her ear, her arm was rested around a soft abdomen, it confused her, this was not how she remembered Rhett.

She opened her eyes and found comfort in that, it indeed was Rhett she was wrapped around, in the state between sleep and awareness she had forgotten his body had changed.

She moved slightly and felt his arm tightened his hold on her, turning her head she looked into his troubled black eyes. Did he regret being in her bed?

"Good morning Rhett" she broke the ice.

"Morning Scarlett, did you sleep well?"

"Yes I haven't slept this good in ages," she turned the corner of her mouth in a half smile.

"The same here," he looked around the room, "I never thought I would be in this bed again, holding you in my arms."

"Are you glad about that you are here again?"

"Well, let just say I haven't run away yet. And I not complaining over the company so far."

"You know I left my door ajar at a time?"

She looked away, would he leave her again, now, that he had come this close to her?

"I know, I couldn't turn to you when I felt so guilty, I thought you hated me."

"I didn't, only when the pain was worst."

He sighed and started to softly caressing her lower back. She played with the thick black hair on his chest. She had missed this, their intimate moments together.

"Will you leave me now?"

"No, I won't. I'm too tired to run anymore. But let us take one day at a time Scarlett."

He looked straight at her.

"Rhett I don't think I can handle this if I always will be afraid you'll run of the next minute, if I say or do something wrong."

Pain was clear I her eyes.

"That's not what I meant. Let's not makes promises we can't honour, we still have a long road ahead of us. I don't know how to navigated this journey. I never thought I would come back. I won't run of, but I can't promise we'll make it either."

"I want us to Rhett!"

"That's a good start Scarlett. Are you ready to face the day? I do believe we have a city to conquer."

"I have, you don't," she stated bitterly.

"We do, I ruined a lot for you Scarlett. This time I will stand beside you" he promised.

Scarlett almost smiled, he had said no promises and there he was already making one, not that she would ever point that out to him. This was more than she had hoped for; she had wanted him back for close to two years. She should be happy, and she was, but she was too drained, too grief stricken to feel honest happiness.

Still, the road ahead of her, was without landmarks but now she wasn't alone anymore, and she had goals.

No she wasn't alone anymore. She had found her husband and together they would have to take the reins of their lives and support each other in this quest.

She was used to life blowing her around, he wasn't. But still he took care of her and that was all she would ask for. And she would take care of him as well, this time she wouldn't fail.

"I love you Rhett."

"I know you do, I don't know why you do. My heart still belongs to you Scarlett, I don't know if I still believe in love. But you have my heart for whatever that counts." He stated.

"It counts Rhett, bodies means nothing, hearts do. Once a wise man told me so."

"I hope he is right. But I do like your body my dear." There was a hint of mischief in his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_I haven't forgot about this story but have just been caught up in work._

_Enjoy!_

It was almost time for the Sunday walk down Peachtree Street, yesterday Scarlett had dreaded it, but today she would stand it, knowing she was not alone anymore

She still dressed in all black; her sorrow was too raw to think of any ray of colours in her dressing yet. It was not that black had ever really been her colour but frocks and ball dresses were the last on her mind these days, and had been it since the pride of her life had passed on.

At Tara she hadn't needed fancy frocks just simple ones and it was all she had taken with her to Atlanta, plain black frocks. Rhett hadn't commented on her appearances, except that humiliating time when she was without her corset. He too dressed simpler; all in black, gone was his dandy outfits. Though his outfits had improved since his drunken days.

She assumed he wouldn't mind her buying new dresses and that he would pay for them, if she wanted, but all she wanted was simplicity of life and not to catch the eyes of anyone. Perhaps her appearance would even satisfy Atlanta but she doubted it.

She had Plenty to lace her up, against habit she told the girl to only loosely tighten the stays, it wasn't from lack of vanity but because Rhett had asked her to give up the corset, a wish she had refused, knowing it would be the last stray in the old guard's eyes. Then he had asked her to only wear a loose-laced corset, she had accepted that, knowing he asked out of concern for her, he was worried she would have more breathing spells if she was to tightly lace. Or that he couldn't help her to catch her breath again because the corset wouldn't allow her to breath normally when too tight.

The dress she had chosen was high in the neck and without any accessories.

Rhett was dressed equally simple when he stepped into the dining room, he was better well groomed today and she guessed he had asked Pork to help him dress. His face was less puffy and his eyes less dull, the sleep had done him good, oh, and the fact he hadn't been drinking heavily the two days they had spent together, he had listened to her when she had asked him not to.

Scarlett picked at her eggs; she had already drowned several cups of strong coffee.

"Scarlett you need to eat, you are awful thin"

"I'm eating thank you!"

"No you are not, you have played with your for half an hour and I haven't seem one bite coming into your mouth. And don't use that tone my dear."

"Okay I will eat, if that will make you happy."

Even if it would kill her she would eat the full plate of food, just to show him, as fast as her anger had raised she regretted it, he was right, just as right as she had been about his drinking habits.

"I will try and eat better darling," she smiled, hoping it would sooth her harsh words spoken a moment ago.

"It will make me happy Scarlett," he smiled back.

They started their stroll down the street, Scarlett's arm was looped inside Rhett's arm, they were a bit closer to each other than propriety dictated but both needed the strength the other gave. They stopped and exchanged pleasantries with the neighbourhood ladies, the ones who had been charmed by Bonnie and had wanted to support Captain Butler in his grief.

The ladies and their husbands were kind to Rhett but colder towards Scarlett. Rhett introduced her as his wife and stoke her hand affectionately each times they stopped, signalling that his wife was important to him and that he would not tolerate any impoliteness toward Scarlett.

Things had changed in the Butler home.

The walk was exhausting Scarlett emotionally, it was against her nature being polite to people that despite her and belittled her. But this mission was important if she was to find friends again and if Wade and Ella would be received again, how unfair it was to make children pay for the sins of their parents.

Rhett was also looking paler than he had been when they left their home; she guessed the walk was taking its toll on him as well.

"Are you thinking of other Sunday's walks Rhett?"

She searched his face for the truth; his face wasn't as unreadable for her now that he had let his guards down.

"Yes, I am," he mumbled, "I haven't done this since Bonnie was leading the way and doing most of the talking."

"We can go home now," she offered.

"No, we can't my dear we still have two children to care about."

She stopped and gave him a quick peek on his cheek, "Thank you my darling. I know you miss her and how hard this is on you."

His eyes lit up from her unexpected show of affection, this was a new side of her he wasn't used to but it was balsam to his tortured soul.

They were getting close to the house Scarlett owned 50 percent of and where aunt Pitypat lived. Scarlett wondered if she and India still were living there or had moved in with Ashley and Beau. India, aunt Pitypat, Mrs. Merriwether and Mrs. Meade were sitting on the porch, Mrs. Merriwether almost jumped in her chair when she saw the Butlers and called them over as fast as she found her voice;

"Captain Butler! Scarlett. Do come over!"

Rhett opened the gate as he had done many times in the past, when he came to visit her during the war, slowly they walked up to the porch, none of them too eager for this meeting but it was family.

"Hallo auntie, India, Mrs. Meade" Scarlett greeted.

Pitypat looked from India to Mrs. Meade as to judge how to greet Scarlett, India looked away and Mrs. Meade looked at Rhett offering her no help.

"Scarlett, welcome back dear." She piped in her childish voice.

"Thank you auntie"

Before Scarlett could say more Mrs. Merriwether, refusing to be ignored spoke out;

"Captain Butler, I'm sure the fresh air will do you good, I hope you like being back?"

"Thank you Mrs Merriwether, I hope it will do my wife good, Scarlett's health could be better, I'm afraid."

He pattered her hand lovingly; it was evident that his gesture made an impact on Mrs. Meade.

"Well, you do look a little thin Scarlett" her eyes strolled down Scarlett's body.

"Yes, that's what I've been telling Scarlett and she has promised me too eat more."

He looked at Scarlett when talking.

"Hmm, that's good. And how are you Captain Butler?"

"With my wife fussing over me I can't avoid to improve fast. You know how women can be. Scarlett is no better, she watches over me like a hawk."

Mrs. Meade looked unconvinced, "It would be about time!" she replied.

While Mrs. Mead gave her peace of mind the door had opened and out stepped Ashley, Scarlett felt Rhett stiffen and stepping slightly away from her, but he didn't release her arm. She turned her head to him, gave him a reassuring smile and stepped closer to him, she squeezed his arm. They locked eyes for a brief moment and she felt him relax.

"Scarlett! Captain Butler" Ashley interrupted their moment of peace, he came forth and offered his hand to Rhett, the men exchanged a hand shake, then he turned to Scarlett, she gave him the hand that wasn't intertwined with her husband's, Ashley kissed it as propriety demanded. Scarlett felt slightly discomforted when his lips touched her skin and she was glad when he stepped back.

Ashley looked older and worn out, his once golden hair had lost its goldenness and had gotten a grey shade to it. His eyes had lost all life and his back was bowed like he was carrying a heavy burden.

"Ashley and Beau have moved in with your aunt Pitypat and India Scarlett."

Mrs. Merriwether saw it as her plight to inform the circumstances to Scarlett Butler; after all she had ownership in the house and supported Pitypat.

"Oh, I'm sure it's good for Beau, how is he?"

"He's just fine, the sweetest little boy so much like Melly." Again it was Mrs. Merriwether who talked.

"I'm glad he is well. I' sure Wade and Ella would like him to come over and play when they return from Tara, if of course he is allowed to."

"Of course he can visit his Godmother and cousins!" Ashley said before India could say anything, "Melly would've expected it."

"I'll pick him up when they arrive home from their summer vacation. Now I think I'll take my wife home." Rhett ended the conversation.

On their way back to the house, they greeted the people they met but they didn't stop to exchange pleasantries. Both wanted to get home as soon as possible, Scarlett was well aware the only reason why she hadn't been ignored was because of Rhett, without many words he had made it clear that she was important to him.

The good people of Atlanta sought each other out on this spring Sunday to discuss the Butlers, they felt sorry for the good captain, still, he looked so grief stuck. They remembered the tales of Scarlett blaming captain Butler for Bonnie's death, and how she had yelled at him, and she had been the one practically ignoring the child and associating with Scallywags and Carpetbaggers. They remembered how captain Butler had been forced to take the children and leave the house on such occasions. And they remembered how cold Scarlett had been to her husband at the funeral, not a tear had showed on her cheeks. They couldn't forget she had turned her husband out of their bedroom. No! That Scarlett Butler was a fast piece and a hard hearted one.

What they couldn't understand was how affectionately captain Butler had been to his wife this day or how protective he had been, he had addressed Scarlett as his wife more than he had used the girl's name. How could that be? He had been so ashamed of her before they lost their daughter. What had changed his heart? Mrs. Merriwether was at her best, wasn't she the one who had talked with the Butler's on Pitypat's porch? Yes, she was! She easily forgot she had not been the only on one the porch with the Butlers. She held her head proudly high, her bosom pushed forward and her back erect, she kept her voice loud and clear for all to hear. Captain Butler was a true gentleman to stand beside his ill-mannered wife in his great grief.

How Scarlett looked?

Here, Mrs. Merriwether had to pause; Scarlett hadn't looked well, she was too thin and looked much as she had after her terrible accident. She had worn a simple all black dress. But it was just a matter of time before she would scandalize herself and the good captain again, she was sure of it. But she had been distant but polite to Mr. Wilkes.

Only India kept quiet, her hate for Scarlett hadn't ceased, she still felt sick when she remembered how her sister-in-law had chosen Scarlett over her, how Stuart had chosen Scarlett over her and how her brother had fallen into Scarlett's web. But she also remembered that Melly had asked for Scarlett on her deathbed before she had wanted to she her, India, the latter was what kept her quiet. Melanie had forgiven India on the same deathbed, she had accepted India's kiss, how could she betray that kindness and speak ill of Scarlett, Melanie had loved her to the very end. How could she ignore that Melly had asked Scarlett and not her to look after her husband and child.

India had taken the role of Beau's mother willingly, she loved the child, but it was not what Melly had wanted.

As it wasn't enough, Scarlett paid for her living and for everyone's livings in the house. India wasn't stupid, she knew Ashley hardly made money these days, after his wife's death it had turned worse; he lacked the energy to look

life in its eyes, most days, he just sad behind his disk staring into the air.

She would be stupid if she cut off the hand that fed her family. But she would never like that fast piece of Scarlett Butler.

The old Guard noticed India's silence and wondered why she said nothing.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Scarlett and Rhett shared a quiet moment on the veranda with coffee. Rhett had been deeply touched when Scarlett safe in their house, had hugged him tightly and given him a loving kiss on his mouth whispering "Thank you!"

He had also seen her effort to eat her dinner and he hadn't commented when she had given up half way through the meal, his opinion had mattered to her and she tried as hard as she could. He was touched.

"Scarlett what happened at the mill that day? I never gave you a chance to explain, I thought I could do without, but now I find that I would like to know."

Scarlett took a sip of her coffee;

"That's the worse about it all Rhett, nothing happened. On my way to the mill I hoped to find Ashley alone, and I did. He admired my appearance and took my hands in his, and all I could think was how I didn't feel anything, no excitement but merely friendliness. He started talking about old days in the county; I tried not to look back but couldn't stop. It hurt so much to remember, that I started to cry. Ashley wanted to comfort me and gave me a friendly hug; just then India and Archie entered the office and took it all wrongly. They wouldn't listen to Ashley. I left right away. You see nothing happened. I didn't want his touches or the one to start them and I felt nothing in his arms except sadness. Afterwards I just wanted to go home. I was so afraid of what you would thing of the situation."

"Ah, merely friendliness. And what did you feel when he touched you today my dear?"

She searched his face and saw honest interest;

"Discomfort!"

Thinking back at the meeting she asked; "Why did you pull away from me when Ashley came out?" she had found that odd.

"Old habits die hard my dear."

"You don't think that I still has any feelings for him, do you Rhett?"

"No, not really. But I just find it difficult to believe, after so many years, that it's me you want now. Maybe I was worried you would reject me now, that I had promised not to run from you again."

It was an odd feeling being honest with Rhett and getting the same in return, he was the man she loved and yet she knew so little about him.

"You needn't worry darling, I won't run either."

The ground under her feet became more steady, both wanted to give their marriage a second chance and had promised to stay for the worse part as well as the good, with that promise from Rhett she would afford to be honest, but it hadn't completely taken away her fear of being left again.

They were sitting in the parlour watching day turn into night, it was Wednesday and the week they had agreed upon was almost gone. This week had been about more than just keeping up appearances, it had been about finding a reason to go on and find steady ground to walk on.

Scarlett was amazed, in her wildest dreams she hadn't believed Rhett would come to her as fast as he had. They had agreed to visit Bonnie's grave together tomorrow, a decision that meant neither would sleep much tonight.

Scarlett sipped coffee and Rhett a glass of whiskey.

"Would you like the children to return next week Scarlett?"

"Uh, would it be fine with you Rhett?" She wasn't so sure herself.

"Well, I'm sure it will be fine, I may find it hard at times but I need to face reality. Wouldn't it be fine with you my dear?" There was no judging in his eyes.

"Sure it will, it just hard for me to be around Ella sometimes, I feel so guilty when I remember my thoughts and wonder if she knows."

"What thoughts Scarlett?"

"Oh! I shouldn't say such things; I for sure will burn in hell, if such exists. Sometimes I think heaven and hell is on earth."

"My thoughts exactly, pray tell what hunts you with Ella"

"Oh, if you must know, I wished God had taken her instead of Bonnie. I never could understand why he didn't take the giddy-brained child of mine. It's not that I don't love Ella, I do, but Bonnie was the child closest to my heart."

Ashamed she looked the other way; he had always blamed her for her motherly skills.

"Ah, I have been there myself my dear. I cursed the heavens and God for taking my daughter, when he could've taking any of your children. I'm not proud but I couldn't face your living children, couldn't stand to be near them. I was relieved when you took them to Marietta. I couldn't look at Ella knowing she was alive and my angle wasn't. So you see. I don't blame you or think ill of you, I would only be judging myself as well."

When his eyes met hers they were full of sorrow, blame and deep hurt,

"Come here my dear, don't be afraid to cry when I'm around!" He offered her protection and understanding, and his lap to cry on.

Pork had moved Rhett's belongings into Scarlett's bedroom. They were content snuggling closely together at night, so far they wasn't ready for more than snuggling. They had a desperate need to be close to a person who understood and felt the same burden, a need for a person to care and take time to notice. Rhett had given up his former aloofness and showed his feelings. But his deep sorrow hadn't left him yet, as it hadn't left Scarlett, both were thin shelters of what they had once been. That night lovemaking was far from their minds; it was occupied with thoughts of a little girl. It would be the first time for both to visit the grave in eleven months, and the first time together since the funeral.

Scarlett had expected it to rain, or at least the sky to be covered with clouds but the sun was high in the sky, with no clouds to stop the bright, warm rays of sunlight it bathed Atlanta in.

They stayed close together, her armed looped in his, she looked up at Rhett and saw his face turn ten years older when the gravestone became visible in front of them, and wondered if her own face had changed as dramatically.

She placed a hand on his arm in support and he squeezed it with his free hand. The gravestone was beautiful, what a strange thing to notice! Scarlett felt her mind had stopped working and everything became dizzy, it was odd to feel more like a bystander watching herself kneeling in front of the grave than the one actually doing it.

The stone was beautiful, she and Melly had chosen one of blue granite to honour Bonnie's favourite colour, it was a lying stone decorated with a white dove and kitten. The inscription read:

_Beloved daughter_

_Bonnie Blue Butler_

_Eugenie Victoria_

_1869-1873_

_You will be deeply missed_ _forever_

_Daddy and Mother_

Rhett was standing aside her but the closeness had been broken and suddenly she felt a deep pain and was back in her own body again, her breathing became short and the tears flooded from her eyes. She was back in the days right after her beautiful daughter had died, the pain was the same and she forgot all around her, it was unbearable.

She touched her daughter's name on the stone with a shaking finger. She had forgot about Rhett until she heard the sound of someone desperately trying to clear his throat, it was Rhett! How could she have forgotten him?

She studied his face and saw the raw pain and how he fought to hold back his tears, last night he had been strong for her, now he needed her support. Swiftly she got up and wrapped her arms around him;

"Your not alone darling, I'm here."

Her words made him shake violently and started his tears.

"God Scarlett, I miss her so, will the pain ever stop?"

She had no answer to that question, silently she cried with him.

When the tears had run out and both could breathe freely again he sled his arm around her thin waist and together they faced the grave.

"Thank you for choosing such a beautiful stone my dear, I don't think I ever thanked you. And thank you for not turning away from me today."

She remembered how she had forgotten him and had stepped back to the hurt and anger for a brief moment,

"No need to thank me Rhett." She mumbled.

"Yes there is, it's so easy to go back to former resentment and feelings. It takes courage not to. I wasn't sure I had that courage in me, but I have found some."

"Why, you fought in the army Rhett."

"That's another form of courage, I'm speaking of, the courage to facing my inner demons and life at its best and worst."

"Oh!" She wished he would speak more plainly.

He looked at her "Honey, what I meant was being honest, even if I'm ashamed of myself and doesn't want to admit my feelings, and being ready for a life that has it downs as well as ups."

"Oh, I wished I was better at understanding my feelings Rhett."

When the left their daughter's grave Scarlett was at ease with the weather, Bonnie wanted her parents to move on and find new happiness; she wouldn't have wanted it to rain on this day. Her daughter had been so full of life and wanted her love for life passed on to her parents.

"Do you remember how Bonnie demanded us all to wear blue on her birthday when she turned three? She wouldn't take no for an answer and even mammy took a blue apron on" Scarlett giggled from the memory.

"Yes she was a determined girl, it must be the Irish in her," Rhett was chuckling.

"How you do run on, I'm sure she got if from the Butler line!"

"Hardly! And she hunted poor Beau down until he agreed she could kiss and hug him. He looked so embarrassed the whole time."

"Yes she had a way with boys as I remembered it Mr. Butler."

"You are rambling nonsense my dear," but he was smiling."

"You know you wrote me on her birthday Rhett?" surprised she looked at him.

Rhett was taken aback "Why, your are right Scarlett, that I did."

"It wasn't on purpose?" she asked.

"No it wasn't my dear," he caught her eyes "How unusual, and to discover it

on the night when we visited her."

He caressed her hand, Scarlett leaned in and kissed his lips softly, for the first time in more than a year she felt hope rising inside of her.

The visit to the petite grave of Bonnie had changed something in both Rhett and Scarlett, a fade sparkle of life had found its way into their eyes, taking some of the dullness out of them. Without Scarlett knowing it, it had been the first test for the spouses, easily they could have forgotten the comfort and understanding they had found in each other and turned against the other as fast as lightning.

In the back of her head she remembered that she for a moment had forgotten her husband and that sacred her, he might as well forget her when he felt anger the next time. It scared her but she wouldn't give in to that fear. He was here with her and that was enough.

That night they didn't stay up to see night turning into day, a new peace had fallen upon them and they were finally able to sleep when time passed midnight.

Scarlett felt a closeness to Rhett she had thought impossible, she didn't need to be on her toes every second fearing his mock and cutting assaults, they were two survivors who fought together to find new meaning in life and it had been healing to share memories of Bonnie. She snuggled closer to her husband and in reply he tightened his hold on her.

Friday! The one-week had ended. Scarlett woke up in her husband's arms; he was staring at her;

"Do you enjoy watching sleeping ladies?" she smiled

"Just one," he said before claiming her lips in a hungry kiss.

Breaking free she giggled "Why, I'm honoured Rhett Butler, only one woman."

"Yes, and she speaks far too much!"

Another kiss followed and hands danced in ancient waves on exposed skin, a dance that got wilder and more urgent with each stroke. Bodies gave in to a beautiful dance of ballet, where heart spoke to heart, and soul reached soul in a promise of a brighter day to come.

They were celebrating life; they were survivors who needed a proof of having cheated death.

The road ahead of them was starting to show in a dim light, it showed many curves and uphill but they were not alone anymore, what Bonnie hadn't managed in life, she had mastered in death. She had united her parents.


End file.
